Honeycrisp's horror movie survival guide

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, kill them immediately. It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

3. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

4. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Just get out!

5. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

6. If you're running from a monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

7. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, multi-level marketing, and so on, kill them immediately.

8. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely while being eaten alive.

9. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

10. If you enter a house and a disembodied voice tells you to "GET OUT," listen to the helpful voice and leave.

11. If anyone offers you $1,000,000 if you just stay the night in a house - just leave and go and buy a lottery ticket. Your chances of winning the lottery are slightly higher then your chances of living through the night.

12. If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, do not sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your significant other. Instead, wait until you get a nice, clean, safe motel room.

13. If you come across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand above the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone while you are running in the opposite direction.

14. Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs, henchmen etc.

15. If you enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc. especially one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go just go.

16. Stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc.

17. No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed in ancient artifacts.

18. Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive (such as duct tape) STOP !

19. When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on he who breaks the seal; it's time to go back to the camp.

20. If it glows, avoid it.

When the alien ship arrives, do not join the welcoming committee.

Do not take the shortcut through the woods.

If you find yourself on a lost continent (underground world), where there is prehistoric life or an ancient civilization still flourishing, there is also an active volcano.

You can pretty much find a chainsaw when you need one.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

Turn on the lights!

Never dig in sand, the woods or graveyards. In fact, never dig up anything.

When the power goes out, wandering the house with a flickering candle is not a good idea.

If someone calls you and says they have vital information and asks you to meet them somewhere, don't bother showing up. He'll be dead when you get there and you will be charged with the murder. Trust me on this one.

Animals (dogs, cats, birds, fish) always know who's bad and will naturally bark, hiss, chirp or point at them.

Under no circumstances get a job as a security guard at a scientific research center.